I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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