So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
