I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
