3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
