Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
