In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
