My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
