well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
