so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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