I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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