The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
