You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
the raccoons are back...
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