Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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