she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
