I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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