oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
