I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
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Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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