Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
