I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
