I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
