I puked a lego.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
