Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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