He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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