I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
