he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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