you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
