new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
