Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
