i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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