My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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