i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
