Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
