just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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