apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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