I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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