remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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