You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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