Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
