It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
