we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
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I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
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I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina