my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge