Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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