i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
