Ambien. No doubt about it.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
