look no pants
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
