you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
