i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is the high leading the old right now
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
