You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
