Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
