I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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