She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
