Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
