this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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