I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
