Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
