If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think I just sharted jello shots
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
