my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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